It goes both ways... when I do great and see that in their lives, I have so much joy and am so proud... the same with when I fail, and I see the hurt I cause them. There is no one to blame but myself. My children don't get to hang with "the other parent" when mom's having a melt down... and there isn't another parent to keep me in check... so they get what they get. Up, down, hot and cold... whatever I am in that moment is what they get. No take-backs, no do-overs. Too bad though, there is so much I would change.
When I look at Anthony, and I think about all the time that has passed, my heart quickens and I hold my breath... and start to panic about the few years I have left with him as a child. Oh how I will miss this moment. I hope that one day when he is older I can accurately convey how amazing he is, how much he has made my life better. He saved me from myself a long time ago. My pregnancy was full of so much unknown.. so much fear. The day I decided I was going to be a parent to the child in my belly changed my life forever. I knew in that moment, days of youthful selfishness were gone. There were no regrets. Ever.
Last night Anthony told me he didn't want anything for Christmas. He explained that he knows that he has more than a lot of kids in the world, and he is thankful for the things he has. He asked that I take the money I was going to spend on him, and spend it on Dominic. He asked that we make this Dominic's best Christmas ever. As we had this conversation, I held back tears, because in that moment I knew he was so much more than I ever imagined he would be. So much kinder, compassionate, merciful... loving. So amazing. This young man, whom I have the honor of raising, is so much more than I ever have been... I am lost for words to describe how my heart swells with pride just watching him grow. He shows me how to walk in love.
These boys have my heart <3
