When you are in "that" kid's life...

So as most of you know, I am single, thus my boys do not have their earthly father in their lives... What does this mean you ask? Or better yet, why is Jo writing this? I'm about to clue you in.. LOL.. In all seriousness though.. my hope is that by reading this you will be better prepared the next time you are in my children's path, or any other child who is missing a parent.
Some of you might think, that because dad isn't around to whoop them into shape, they must be sissified right... or they don't know how to fish, or throw a ball... WRONG. My children, thanks in part to the guys in their lives, but mostly me, (except the fishing part) do know how to do all those things... I taught my boys to pee standing up (ya, it was hard) and throw a ball. Nani taught Tone that mosquito hawks were not going to kill him, no matter how much his momma screamed. Papa taught him how to fish and thankfully put a worm on the hook, because I have no desire to learn. Tone loves the outdoors, knows how to play video games, and love all things UFC. He is also kind and gentle. Shocking right. Well it is the balance he has had in his life.
All this to say... when you are in "that" child's life, you might be inclined to judge them based on how they appear... some would say my child looks hood.. well he isn't. He cannot change his heritage and how he looks if the jeans are slightly baggy.. and he likes his hats crooked. But I am telling you that my child can wear the most emo outfit and still look like himself. I love that about him. He is his own person. If you never get beyond looking at him, you might think all sorts of things. If you do, however, decide to sacrifice a few minutes and spend some time getting to know him, he will blow your mind. He is an amazing swirl of wonderful things. God blessed me immensely when he gave me that little pretty baby 12 years ago. I am discovering new blessings in him everyday. Moving past the mommy-mushiness...
My son isn't missing out on a "dad" being rough and firm... he doesn't need any man to come in and try to "push" the heavy handedness, that fathers are known for. Whether it is on the field playing ball or just shooting a gun in the backyard... the only thing I would ask of any one who decides to contribute to their lives, is to edify, build confidence, and edify some more. You see, my son, knows that he wasn't enough for his father to be in his life (not about bashing his dad, just how Tone feels). He isn't really sure why yet, but he knows that it kind of hurts to think about it. He knows that he is missing out on so many things because of the choices his parents made. All of this leaves my sweet boy feeling devalued and unsure of his place in certain areas.
When you see him.. you might mistake his head being held high or his huge smile, for cockiness, but it couldn't be more opposite, he smiles through his nervousness. He is so talented and has so much potential, but he is so very unsure of himself. He knows that sometimes, people in his life love him, and sometimes he isn't sure they even like him. It is a hard road to walk out sometimes. That doesn't mean that he doesn't need correction or advice, but it is more about, giving little contributions and then letting him walk it out. He is at a place in his life where he is old enough to make some decisions... it is part of self-discovery. He is learning who he is. He is becoming a young man.
 All that being said, my children wouldn't be where they are without the village of men and women who have stepped in to love them and be in their lives. I am eternally thankful for that. I do feel though, that sometimes, as adults we are unsure what to do or say when we meet a child who is missing a parent. They are (in my experience) like most children... they do have wounds and voids that other children don't but it isn't anything to be afraid of. It is a wonderful thing to see all the people that love my kiddos. Their lives are so much better for it.

boys are different than girls... alot ;)

I remember the day I held each of my children for the first.. duh, it hurt like a (insert mad painful adjective)... What I remember most though is the paralyzing love, that hit me like a train. I realized that I had never loved anyone or anything as much... Fast forward to today... My 5 year old is growing in leaps and bounds... Actually both of my boys are.. In less than a month they have grown 1/2 and inch!! Tone is as tall as me (or as short as me..lol). Anyway, with all this growing outwardly there is growing inwardly too... Dom is making all these crazy connections that have propelled him from being my little baby toddler to whatever is next... a big little kid... So now we have reached the point, where not all my love is necessarily desired or accepted... not in a mean way... example: "Mom, I do love you, but I am trying to beat Bowser, so I cannot stop to hug your neck right now".. like that. It is a pivotal because it is the point where I desire to push him back to babyhood... but I choose to support the growing up... it can be tough, because at times I desire the wee-one to accept all my hugs and kisses even if they are in rapid succession. Last night, I realized that Dom is learning to think more and make choices for himself... Our discussion: Nighttime hugs & kisses.. He wasn't really diggin it, and responded with "is it up to you or up to me".. this lets me know he is aware there are times he doesn't have a say in things... that is the "up to mom only" and then there are times where it is "up to Dom"... and he can yay or nay as he pleases. He quickly followed that comment up with a "lets talk about it"... hahaha!! I am always pushing them to talk through things, I think it is finally sticking!

So as my little fam makes this transition from man-child & wee-child into teenager & kindergartner... I will purpose to appreciate the growing... and to not try to keep my bitty love a baby forever. There is some degree of goodbye in it all... I am so thankful that God gave me children who bring so much humor even in the midst of chaos and sometimes sadness.

Valentines... Shmalent... whatever..!

Yesterday was, I don't know my hundreth "single" Vday... which doesn't really bother me anymore. I am pretty good with where I am. My little fam feels pretty complete. I like to get the man-child something on Vday... and this year I added in the wee-one, cause he finally is old enough to notice he is missing out. Nothing major... some playdough.. and five 1$ bills... the man-child on the otherhand... is a bit more complicated. I ordered a game for him a few weeks ago... but he knew about it so, it wasn't as fun. An itunes card, some cash... done... gifts for the men in my life :) But as I looked online for something affordable (cheap)... I realized that for the most part that stage of his life is over... for a girl, it seems so easy to purchase little things... a scarf, lipgloss.. a pretty pen... but boys... good luck finding something under 10$ that isn't going to break in 2.3 minutes. I think it is a conspiracy or somewhere way up the marketing ladder is a sexist lady laughing her butt off. I hate that I can walk into a store and there is gobs and gobs of little trinkets for girls... and almost nothing for boys. Anyway.. that is for another post..
 My 5 year old was so excited over his 5 big ones... hehe.. it was so fun watching him count it and then shove it in his pocket while singing "playdough, playdough, PLAYDOUGH" over and over. As I watched my man-child, he is a bit more calm... and for a moment, I wondered if we were at the stage where small gifts don't register on his radar... he is almost 13!! EEK! He did not disappoint though... He came and sat by me, hugged and thanked me, and then whispered to me that he wanted so badly to get me a gift, but he didn't have any money, but could now spend his $20 on me.. It is an amazing feeling looking at your child and realizing that they desire to spend their last cent to bring joy to you... I know every day that I am blessed. My children bring such abundant joy to my life. I am not exaggerating though, when I say that my man-child, is the most loving and thoughtful young person I know. As I watch him grow, there is some anxiety, but for the most part I revel in the person he is becoming. He deserves the best. He doesn't usually get that. I pray today, that God help me to become the mother my children deserve. It is in these moments that I feel wholly inadequate to be their "Mom", but so very proud to know that I am. My Valentines... Everyday. :)

sign of a good mom or a mad woman...

I have been spending the last month or so trying to replace my children's partially destroyed & too-small wardrobe. The man-child now wears a MENS medium & a size 10 MENS shoe! Yikes!! It is so unbelievably fun to purchase things for my children. I have this sense of.. I would say accomplishment.. but it is more than that... almost like I stored up all the food we need for winter.. something like that. However today, as we walked into a store where I found $50 pants for the man-child on sale for $6.. (yup!).. I realized that I was wearing a pair of jeans that I have owned for at least 4 years... and it is obvious. My shirt had two holes in it, my jacket three holes... old shoes.. hair in a ponytail... at least I had makeup on right?!? LOL.. I don't really think about how we look walking around town... I would like to assume that when people see my kiddos dressed so much nicer than me that they instinctively know it is because I sacrifice my own wardrobe because there really isn't another option. It is myself or them... but I can't do it all. I must be going crazy.. I am sure that is how I looked anyway... Thankfully most days I do not care... lol. Today was a little different, but I did get myself some pepper spray.. so anybody that tries something crazy better close their eyes... I am content with my pepper spray :)  

the future... you mean in an hour right..

I don't think about the future terribly often... well not into the far away future... cause then I think about quickly the last 31 years have gone by... and that makes me incredibly nervous.. cause man, I remember being 20.. looking at a credit card statement that I absolutely couldn't pay.. thinking wow 7 whole years for this to fall off my credit if I don't pay it... that is soooo far away... and zip... 11 years goes by... What the heck!? Pause already... or at least slow down...

That said... my man-child will be 13 this year!! I wish I had lied to him about his age back when he was 8ish... Dom is def turning 4 next year instead of 6... not sure how that will go over with him yet.. we'll see :)

I am coming to this place in my life where I am just trying to be content.. not just in the moment... but in life. I have tons of moments of pure contentment, bliss even... One perfect glance from the wee-one... or a special connect with the man-child.... and I am mesmerized.. in awe of how blessed I am. But it is the moments in between... the lonely times.. or when money isn't growing on trees like I need it to... when there isn't anyone to share in my struggles... those times I have to make a choice.. to pity or not to pity ones self..

In the times I choose pity partying... instead of overcoming the doubt or frustration... I feel like Alice spiralling downward... And then dawn comes... And with renewed resolve I promise myself next time, I will not fall into that chasm. I know I can do it.... I just can't figure out if helping to choose the joyous route means looking forward to the future,  living in the moment... I know it isn't dwelling on the past... So that is something right? LOL

In other news... Dominic informed me yesterday that something he was waiting on was taking a long time... the way he explained it "she taking long time, like a lunch"... Thank you Lord for blessing me with children who bring so much joy and humor to my life.

in the spirit of thankfulness i cogitate..

I realize that most people probably think single parenting is just like what they see on Lifetime or TLC... but it really isn't. I am not saying that it is easy at all, but there is so much joy and satisfaction that comes with it too. Sometimes when I am really honest with myself.. I realize that I don't want to share my children. If their father were available I wouldn't keep them from knowing him at all, but I don't want to have to give them up on Thursdays and every other weekend, or alternate holidays... at all.

It goes both ways... when I do great and see that in their lives, I have so much joy and am so proud... the same with when I fail, and I see the hurt I cause them. There is no one to blame but myself. My children don't get to hang with "the other parent" when mom's having a melt down... and there isn't another parent to keep me in check... so they get what they get. Up, down, hot and cold... whatever I am in that moment is what they get. No take-backs, no do-overs. Too bad though, there is so much I would change.

When I look at Anthony, and I think about all the time that has passed, my heart quickens and I hold my breath... and start to panic about the few years I have left with him as a child. Oh how I will miss this moment. I hope that one day when he is older I can accurately convey how amazing he is, how much he has made my life better. He saved me from myself a long time ago. My pregnancy was full of so much unknown.. so much fear. The day I decided I was going to be a parent to the child in my belly changed my life forever. I knew in that moment, days of youthful selfishness were gone. There were no regrets. Ever.

Last night Anthony told me he didn't want anything for Christmas. He explained that he knows that he has more than a lot of kids in the world, and he is thankful for the things he has. He asked that I take the money I was going to spend on him, and spend it on Dominic. He asked that we make this Dominic's best Christmas ever. As we had this conversation, I held back tears, because in that moment I knew he was so much more than I ever imagined he would be. So much kinder, compassionate, merciful... loving. So amazing. This young man, whom I have the honor of raising, is so much more than I ever have been... I am lost for words to describe how my heart swells with pride just watching him grow. He shows me how to walk in love.

These boys have my heart <3

so thankful... for MEN!

So, my boys' father has been incarcerated for about 38 months... and he has approximately 24 more to go. It makes me a super single mom... lol. With all that is missing in my childrens' lives, they are so blessed.

Tone my oldest, played baseball until he was 8... but we pulled him out because he was incredibly tiny & I couldn't handle the coaches and parents... I was afraid to go to jail fighting parents who deserved to be in jail for the way they treated their kids!! This year, he decided he really wanted to play. So, I hesitated, but enrolled him in fall ball. Our coach was amazing... so gentle and kind. Just what Anthony needed. From the start of the season, Jason & David (my bro-n-laws) and Randy (my bf's esposo) pitched in and helped to assist the coach on & off the field. For any of you wondering, my dad loves to help when he is home, but he is on the road too much with work to be able to commit to anything. :)  Anthony felt overflowing love by these guys, giving their time... rushing home from work to make practice or a game. He knew without a doubt that they did it because they loved him. These three men, gave of their time not only for his practices and games, but to practice with Tone at their homes.. even taking him to the batting cages!!

Tonight was our last game. I was so nervous, because Tone wants to play in the spring, but I was so scared he would get a "jerk" coach and it would be horrible. Anthony took the initiative and asked the coach if he could find a guy to be his assistant in the spring, then could he be guaranteed a spot on his team. His answer: YES!! So, dilemma... how do you ask a man, who isn't your dad to commit to 4 days a week... to be at the park early, help coach & encourage... it is so much... you have no idea if you have never done it.

I knew that the three wanted to coach a team, but thinking something "sounds" fun, and actually committing to it... well, you can understand why anyone might be afraid of such a large committment. These guys didn't hesititate to commit to making it work. Randy will coach the days Jason & David have their softball games... and they will work it out the other days. SO AWESOME!!!

It is so humbling, for me as their mom, to see these guys be so involved in my boys' lives. Not because I begged or made them feel sorry for them, but because they LOVE them that much!!! It is the most amazing thing. And I will never stop being thankful. Father to the fatherless... they will never call these men "dad"..  but it is still a part of that role that they give them. My boys know what fathers should be, because of the men in their lives. And they will never forget that.

So, turns out the stigma that is out there, is blatantly incorrect... not all men suck... infact a lot of them are amazing. They can love without hesitation, giving fully of themselves... whether there is a biological connection or not. It isn't ever an issue or concern. That is amazing love.

Another highlight... turns out my little "but really big" baby is a natural!!! He was told by a coach from a different team that he is the "most improved" player she has ever seen!! The encouragement was so good for him to hear, because it was from someone who had no reason to say anything. I am so proud of Anthony!! He has done so well... and he rocks the pitchers mound!! So.. to these three guys... and all the others that have given of their time to my boys... thank you so much!!! What you do is so incredibly precious... words cannot adequately describe. You guys make my guys better men. We love you all!