When you are in "that" kid's life...

So as most of you know, I am single, thus my boys do not have their earthly father in their lives... What does this mean you ask? Or better yet, why is Jo writing this? I'm about to clue you in.. LOL.. In all seriousness though.. my hope is that by reading this you will be better prepared the next time you are in my children's path, or any other child who is missing a parent.
Some of you might think, that because dad isn't around to whoop them into shape, they must be sissified right... or they don't know how to fish, or throw a ball... WRONG. My children, thanks in part to the guys in their lives, but mostly me, (except the fishing part) do know how to do all those things... I taught my boys to pee standing up (ya, it was hard) and throw a ball. Nani taught Tone that mosquito hawks were not going to kill him, no matter how much his momma screamed. Papa taught him how to fish and thankfully put a worm on the hook, because I have no desire to learn. Tone loves the outdoors, knows how to play video games, and love all things UFC. He is also kind and gentle. Shocking right. Well it is the balance he has had in his life.
All this to say... when you are in "that" child's life, you might be inclined to judge them based on how they appear... some would say my child looks hood.. well he isn't. He cannot change his heritage and how he looks if the jeans are slightly baggy.. and he likes his hats crooked. But I am telling you that my child can wear the most emo outfit and still look like himself. I love that about him. He is his own person. If you never get beyond looking at him, you might think all sorts of things. If you do, however, decide to sacrifice a few minutes and spend some time getting to know him, he will blow your mind. He is an amazing swirl of wonderful things. God blessed me immensely when he gave me that little pretty baby 12 years ago. I am discovering new blessings in him everyday. Moving past the mommy-mushiness...
My son isn't missing out on a "dad" being rough and firm... he doesn't need any man to come in and try to "push" the heavy handedness, that fathers are known for. Whether it is on the field playing ball or just shooting a gun in the backyard... the only thing I would ask of any one who decides to contribute to their lives, is to edify, build confidence, and edify some more. You see, my son, knows that he wasn't enough for his father to be in his life (not about bashing his dad, just how Tone feels). He isn't really sure why yet, but he knows that it kind of hurts to think about it. He knows that he is missing out on so many things because of the choices his parents made. All of this leaves my sweet boy feeling devalued and unsure of his place in certain areas.
When you see him.. you might mistake his head being held high or his huge smile, for cockiness, but it couldn't be more opposite, he smiles through his nervousness. He is so talented and has so much potential, but he is so very unsure of himself. He knows that sometimes, people in his life love him, and sometimes he isn't sure they even like him. It is a hard road to walk out sometimes. That doesn't mean that he doesn't need correction or advice, but it is more about, giving little contributions and then letting him walk it out. He is at a place in his life where he is old enough to make some decisions... it is part of self-discovery. He is learning who he is. He is becoming a young man.
 All that being said, my children wouldn't be where they are without the village of men and women who have stepped in to love them and be in their lives. I am eternally thankful for that. I do feel though, that sometimes, as adults we are unsure what to do or say when we meet a child who is missing a parent. They are (in my experience) like most children... they do have wounds and voids that other children don't but it isn't anything to be afraid of. It is a wonderful thing to see all the people that love my kiddos. Their lives are so much better for it.

boys are different than girls... alot ;)

I remember the day I held each of my children for the first.. duh, it hurt like a (insert mad painful adjective)... What I remember most though is the paralyzing love, that hit me like a train. I realized that I had never loved anyone or anything as much... Fast forward to today... My 5 year old is growing in leaps and bounds... Actually both of my boys are.. In less than a month they have grown 1/2 and inch!! Tone is as tall as me (or as short as me..lol). Anyway, with all this growing outwardly there is growing inwardly too... Dom is making all these crazy connections that have propelled him from being my little baby toddler to whatever is next... a big little kid... So now we have reached the point, where not all my love is necessarily desired or accepted... not in a mean way... example: "Mom, I do love you, but I am trying to beat Bowser, so I cannot stop to hug your neck right now".. like that. It is a pivotal because it is the point where I desire to push him back to babyhood... but I choose to support the growing up... it can be tough, because at times I desire the wee-one to accept all my hugs and kisses even if they are in rapid succession. Last night, I realized that Dom is learning to think more and make choices for himself... Our discussion: Nighttime hugs & kisses.. He wasn't really diggin it, and responded with "is it up to you or up to me".. this lets me know he is aware there are times he doesn't have a say in things... that is the "up to mom only" and then there are times where it is "up to Dom"... and he can yay or nay as he pleases. He quickly followed that comment up with a "lets talk about it"... hahaha!! I am always pushing them to talk through things, I think it is finally sticking!

So as my little fam makes this transition from man-child & wee-child into teenager & kindergartner... I will purpose to appreciate the growing... and to not try to keep my bitty love a baby forever. There is some degree of goodbye in it all... I am so thankful that God gave me children who bring so much humor even in the midst of chaos and sometimes sadness.

Valentines... Shmalent... whatever..!

Yesterday was, I don't know my hundreth "single" Vday... which doesn't really bother me anymore. I am pretty good with where I am. My little fam feels pretty complete. I like to get the man-child something on Vday... and this year I added in the wee-one, cause he finally is old enough to notice he is missing out. Nothing major... some playdough.. and five 1$ bills... the man-child on the otherhand... is a bit more complicated. I ordered a game for him a few weeks ago... but he knew about it so, it wasn't as fun. An itunes card, some cash... done... gifts for the men in my life :) But as I looked online for something affordable (cheap)... I realized that for the most part that stage of his life is over... for a girl, it seems so easy to purchase little things... a scarf, lipgloss.. a pretty pen... but boys... good luck finding something under 10$ that isn't going to break in 2.3 minutes. I think it is a conspiracy or somewhere way up the marketing ladder is a sexist lady laughing her butt off. I hate that I can walk into a store and there is gobs and gobs of little trinkets for girls... and almost nothing for boys. Anyway.. that is for another post..
 My 5 year old was so excited over his 5 big ones... hehe.. it was so fun watching him count it and then shove it in his pocket while singing "playdough, playdough, PLAYDOUGH" over and over. As I watched my man-child, he is a bit more calm... and for a moment, I wondered if we were at the stage where small gifts don't register on his radar... he is almost 13!! EEK! He did not disappoint though... He came and sat by me, hugged and thanked me, and then whispered to me that he wanted so badly to get me a gift, but he didn't have any money, but could now spend his $20 on me.. It is an amazing feeling looking at your child and realizing that they desire to spend their last cent to bring joy to you... I know every day that I am blessed. My children bring such abundant joy to my life. I am not exaggerating though, when I say that my man-child, is the most loving and thoughtful young person I know. As I watch him grow, there is some anxiety, but for the most part I revel in the person he is becoming. He deserves the best. He doesn't usually get that. I pray today, that God help me to become the mother my children deserve. It is in these moments that I feel wholly inadequate to be their "Mom", but so very proud to know that I am. My Valentines... Everyday. :)

sign of a good mom or a mad woman...

I have been spending the last month or so trying to replace my children's partially destroyed & too-small wardrobe. The man-child now wears a MENS medium & a size 10 MENS shoe! Yikes!! It is so unbelievably fun to purchase things for my children. I have this sense of.. I would say accomplishment.. but it is more than that... almost like I stored up all the food we need for winter.. something like that. However today, as we walked into a store where I found $50 pants for the man-child on sale for $6.. (yup!).. I realized that I was wearing a pair of jeans that I have owned for at least 4 years... and it is obvious. My shirt had two holes in it, my jacket three holes... old shoes.. hair in a ponytail... at least I had makeup on right?!? LOL.. I don't really think about how we look walking around town... I would like to assume that when people see my kiddos dressed so much nicer than me that they instinctively know it is because I sacrifice my own wardrobe because there really isn't another option. It is myself or them... but I can't do it all. I must be going crazy.. I am sure that is how I looked anyway... Thankfully most days I do not care... lol. Today was a little different, but I did get myself some pepper spray.. so anybody that tries something crazy better close their eyes... I am content with my pepper spray :)