in the spirit of thankfulness i cogitate..

I realize that most people probably think single parenting is just like what they see on Lifetime or TLC... but it really isn't. I am not saying that it is easy at all, but there is so much joy and satisfaction that comes with it too. Sometimes when I am really honest with myself.. I realize that I don't want to share my children. If their father were available I wouldn't keep them from knowing him at all, but I don't want to have to give them up on Thursdays and every other weekend, or alternate holidays... at all.

It goes both ways... when I do great and see that in their lives, I have so much joy and am so proud... the same with when I fail, and I see the hurt I cause them. There is no one to blame but myself. My children don't get to hang with "the other parent" when mom's having a melt down... and there isn't another parent to keep me in check... so they get what they get. Up, down, hot and cold... whatever I am in that moment is what they get. No take-backs, no do-overs. Too bad though, there is so much I would change.

When I look at Anthony, and I think about all the time that has passed, my heart quickens and I hold my breath... and start to panic about the few years I have left with him as a child. Oh how I will miss this moment. I hope that one day when he is older I can accurately convey how amazing he is, how much he has made my life better. He saved me from myself a long time ago. My pregnancy was full of so much unknown.. so much fear. The day I decided I was going to be a parent to the child in my belly changed my life forever. I knew in that moment, days of youthful selfishness were gone. There were no regrets. Ever.

Last night Anthony told me he didn't want anything for Christmas. He explained that he knows that he has more than a lot of kids in the world, and he is thankful for the things he has. He asked that I take the money I was going to spend on him, and spend it on Dominic. He asked that we make this Dominic's best Christmas ever. As we had this conversation, I held back tears, because in that moment I knew he was so much more than I ever imagined he would be. So much kinder, compassionate, merciful... loving. So amazing. This young man, whom I have the honor of raising, is so much more than I ever have been... I am lost for words to describe how my heart swells with pride just watching him grow. He shows me how to walk in love.

These boys have my heart <3

so thankful... for MEN!

So, my boys' father has been incarcerated for about 38 months... and he has approximately 24 more to go. It makes me a super single mom... lol. With all that is missing in my childrens' lives, they are so blessed.

Tone my oldest, played baseball until he was 8... but we pulled him out because he was incredibly tiny & I couldn't handle the coaches and parents... I was afraid to go to jail fighting parents who deserved to be in jail for the way they treated their kids!! This year, he decided he really wanted to play. So, I hesitated, but enrolled him in fall ball. Our coach was amazing... so gentle and kind. Just what Anthony needed. From the start of the season, Jason & David (my bro-n-laws) and Randy (my bf's esposo) pitched in and helped to assist the coach on & off the field. For any of you wondering, my dad loves to help when he is home, but he is on the road too much with work to be able to commit to anything. :)  Anthony felt overflowing love by these guys, giving their time... rushing home from work to make practice or a game. He knew without a doubt that they did it because they loved him. These three men, gave of their time not only for his practices and games, but to practice with Tone at their homes.. even taking him to the batting cages!!

Tonight was our last game. I was so nervous, because Tone wants to play in the spring, but I was so scared he would get a "jerk" coach and it would be horrible. Anthony took the initiative and asked the coach if he could find a guy to be his assistant in the spring, then could he be guaranteed a spot on his team. His answer: YES!! So, dilemma... how do you ask a man, who isn't your dad to commit to 4 days a week... to be at the park early, help coach & encourage... it is so much... you have no idea if you have never done it.

I knew that the three wanted to coach a team, but thinking something "sounds" fun, and actually committing to it... well, you can understand why anyone might be afraid of such a large committment. These guys didn't hesititate to commit to making it work. Randy will coach the days Jason & David have their softball games... and they will work it out the other days. SO AWESOME!!!

It is so humbling, for me as their mom, to see these guys be so involved in my boys' lives. Not because I begged or made them feel sorry for them, but because they LOVE them that much!!! It is the most amazing thing. And I will never stop being thankful. Father to the fatherless... they will never call these men "dad"..  but it is still a part of that role that they give them. My boys know what fathers should be, because of the men in their lives. And they will never forget that.

So, turns out the stigma that is out there, is blatantly incorrect... not all men suck... infact a lot of them are amazing. They can love without hesitation, giving fully of themselves... whether there is a biological connection or not. It isn't ever an issue or concern. That is amazing love.

Another highlight... turns out my little "but really big" baby is a natural!!! He was told by a coach from a different team that he is the "most improved" player she has ever seen!! The encouragement was so good for him to hear, because it was from someone who had no reason to say anything. I am so proud of Anthony!! He has done so well... and he rocks the pitchers mound!! So.. to these three guys... and all the others that have given of their time to my boys... thank you so much!!! What you do is so incredibly precious... words cannot adequately describe. You guys make my guys better men. We love you all!

what if...

So, tonight I decided to go grocery shopping after the baseball game. That put us the local HEB around 8:45.... silly me, I thought they wouldn't be busy... I was WRONG. Apparently this is when all the parents come out do their multi-family grocery shopping. It is insane. I hate grocery shopping. I would like to order online... so if that is an option somebody let me know.. :)

On another note, and the purpose of this rant... As we were waiting in line, I watched a woman walking toward us looking for the shortest line... I heard her call out to a little girl, her daughter, I assume... the problem you ask?? The little girl was almost 100 feet behind her mom... and I am not talking about a 10 year old... she was maybe 3... maybe. Her mom, didn't even pause as she called her name... she continued to go about 8 aisles past me. I don't know how your HEB is, but mine has a book section right at the front for all little children to play hide and seek, or just amuse themselves I guess. Her little girl just had to look at the children's book selection displayed... This put her completely out of the view of her mom. Did mom notice? Nope. As her mom began unloading her groceries... I counted 243 seconds before she began to look around. Of course as she began to glance around, I wondered if it was okay for me to point out where her daughter was, or would that make me the creep because I had been watching? Such a decision... In the end I did tell her where she was, and she wasn't even mildly alarmed that I knew... which is WEIRD to me... but maybe I just look like the neighborhood babysitter, I don't know. Anyway, I just stood there and thought about all the things that could have happened. The bathroom is nearby, as are the exits. It wouldn't have taken much less time for someone to snatch her precious baby, and be out the door, before she even realized it.

I am not saying that parents never lose sight of their children... I am not condemning parents at all... I know how hard parenting is. I do it everyday by myself. I have been in mass chaos, large crowds... scary, dirty county fairs... it is hard to keep our children beside us every moment. HOWEVER, you cannot tell me that not knowing where your child is for almost 5 minutes... when she was 100 feet behind you to begin with, is okay. Especially at such a young age. How devastating it would be if the outcome had been different.

I lost Dominic in Walmart... he was running after Anthony & my cousin... and this lady with a massive basket walked right behind him and in front of me... he was less than 5 feet in front of me, and two seconds after she passed, I couldn't see him. It was so horrifying. I immediately called my cousin, as I got the manager to begin code Adam. The whole thing from start to finish was less than a minute. But it was the most terrifying minute.

I am simply reminding you that if you are reading this, if you have children.... be mindful, that children do not think rationally, they dart and hide, and stop to stare... and it is our responsibility to know where they are and keep them safe. And if you are incredibly stupid.. I hope someone like me is there watching.. because had a creep tried to grab her, I would have stabbed him. For real :)

do i really have a 12 year old??

So, most days I feel really young... and go to bed telling myself that someday I really will be a grown up. Then it hits me, I am 31... thirty-one... THIRTY-ONE!!!!! Is it wrong that I still feel incredibly young (most of the time!)?? Anyway... that is for another post... on to more important news..

My first born will be 12 tuesday... TWELVE!!! Are you kidding me?? I want to do the last 5 years over again... or maybe even the last 7... All of a sudden I look at him, and tears well up, because honestly, he makes me so proud. He is sweet and gentle. He loves all of creation. He loves to serve people, and is kind to every child he comes in contact with. He is amazing. He is so beautiful, it takes my breath away. This is the last year until he will be a teenager... sheesh.. I just wanna hit pause for a while, a long while. I don't want to miss anything. With Dom, he is only 4 and time has flown by... but I look at Tone, and I am afraid that somewhere along the journey I have missed something. Something I can't ever get back. No do-overs or take-backs... this is it. How incredibly depressing.

His party was yesterday. It was amazing!! So many people coming together to throw an amazing party, simply because they love him. I think somewhere in their God wanted to remind me that He loves my little fam, even delights in us. Cause sometimes, when Tone wants someone to take him fishing, or Dom is asking me for the hundreth time if his dad ran away, or is sick... I just wanna crawl away and shut everything out. I hate, hate, hate that my children do not have a father who is in their lives. It is so much more heart breaking than the lifetime tv show that makes you cry... because it is everyday.. it doesn't end after a few hours.

Now is the part where you point out how blessed they are in other ways, by other people... and on and on... and most days that is where I choose to stay. But on the days that the pain is overwhelming, that I see how much they do miss out on... over and over... it is so hard.

However, today is not that day... even though I could go there... I shall not!! Because today I am declaring our blessings!! Tone was so blessed... he had so many people who came and showed him love, and gave him amazing gifts!! It was so over-whelming.. in the best kinda way.

So, tonight, as Tone is away at a sleep over, I desperately want to hold his hand and feel his warmth... just bask in miracle of him... I wipe my silent tears... glancing at Dom across the room watching a movie, I am so thankful for my boys. I have so much. For my boys loss, I am sad, for my gain, I am amazed. I pray that I can be the parent God intended me to be, throughout every moment of their lives.

I am so many things.. but my favorite thing is being a Mom.

soooo... i have a blog... an official one.. eek!

I have thought about getting this for years.. but it just didn't seem worth the effort when it is so easy to post on MS & FB... but since I am tired of slamming everyone with my constant thoughts... now they can choose to view or not to view... lol!!

I posted some old rants from years ago... and now I am pondering all kinds of things. Since I like to over-think everything, this isn't necessarily bad. I like to think about everything, every comment from a person, each mannerism... and on and on. I could dissect someone picking their nose from across the room and come out with some theory about how they don't really respect their mom or something... seriously. I am OPINIONATED!! Overly so. Anything from dining out with children to politics. Pick the topic and I will give you an opinion, probably immediately.

Thankfully my children provide with major diversions from my craziness. God knew I needed them, cause otherwise I might not control my road rage or shoot air soft guns at people... who knows?

I am going through what feels kinda like a desert in my life right now. It will at some point lead to some kind of waterfall or a mud puddle... something. Put down the phone... I have not lost hope at all. I am just being honest. Feel free to stop at honesty... cause that is definitely not exciting!

Onto other things... Dom peed in a urinal today for the first time... I was so proud and grossed out at the same time. The plus side of urinals... there is no lifting of the seat, or touching a handle to flush!! Yay for less fecal matter contact!! At least I didn't see a handle to flush.. who knows... I was standing with the door open, and didn't want to look in directly for fear of being labeled.

To be continued... :)

Ocean Vastness (June 2008)

So I went camping on the beach last weekend... I got up around 6 to watch the sun come up over the ocean and ponder everything that is going on around me.... God is so good. I felt a disconnection of sorts recently and I desperately needed to hear from Him. As I sat there I looked out over the ocean and tried to see the end of the ocean... I got up and walked to the edge of the water and looked and looked and I only saw the water meet the sky. I began to think about how God has told us that He casts our sins as far as the east is from the west. The little part of the ocean I could see definitely didn't compare to the East - West. I began to envision my sins... their life size and then I pushed them out over the ocean and imagined them shrinking to oblivion. I was so overwhelmed in that moment realizing what that looks like here on earth. If the Lord casts my sins as far as the east is from the west and looks at me purified in Him, then who am I to hold my sins over my head. If I cannot "forgive" myself or others how can I truly have relationship with God. I totally realized that I am a new person... the old me is gone, and I can only look forward. Looking back at what I have done or who I was does nothing but give the enemy tools to use against me. Jesus died for my sins so that I could have communion with the Father. Who am I to live as if His sacrifice wasn't enough for a particular sin?? I realized in that moment that here on earth I will never fully understand God's love for us, but I did grasp a part of it. And for me it was so incredible. I am not who I once was. I am not ashamed of my past, that doesn't mean I don't have regrets, but I am not condemned by my past. I am not proud of the decisions I made, but because of God's mercy and grace throughout my past I can share His love and what that looks like here on earth. His love covers all sins. I wish that everyone I love could have been on the beach with me that morning so that God could show you the things He showed me. Carrying around shame is not of the Lord. Forgiveness is such a beautiful thing... but we must see it through and live it out. Especially when we hold our past over our head. I imagine that our Father is desiring for us the freedom He offers, while we walk around oblivious to what true forgiveness is. Just imagine the beach... and then grab a map... the east from the west.... it is completely overwhelming. Embrace what God has given you, the plans He has for you. Shake off shame and walk in the purity that His sacrifice and love offer us. My earthly father wouldn't want me to be held back grieving over the person I was, I cannot imagine how much more magnified that same feeling is with my heavenly Father.



We are commanded to forgive one another. This applies to ourselves too. Walk in the freedom God has given, you will not be the same.

This moment (2006)

So... I had to run a late night errand tonight that provided some insight into my relationship with God that I thought I should share. I was walking out to my car holding Dominic... it was really dark, I could hardly see in front of me. During the walk to the car Dominic just sat in my arms looking forward... even though he couldn't see ahead of him or what was coming. He knew that because he was with me that he was safe, and he was content to be in the moment.



I realized that I should be content in daily life.. waiting on God for daily instructions... trusting Him to provide and give me directions for whatever may come. I don't need to know what tomorrow or next week holds, only to know that I am following the will of my Father. I realized that my faith in God should surpass that of my children's faith in me. I have failed them time and time again, but God never fails me. It reminded me that I should strive for the moments I am in, not what may come.



I only have the guarantee that I am alive in this exact moment, and may not be in the next. I realize that I should be much more earnest in every aspect of my life.

come on people.. just drop it in the mailbox ;)

so as i have lost &/or had my wallet stolen three times in six months i figure i am now the expert on this experience and i just wanna know... why can't anybody send my drivers license back... keep the cash, cards, camera and whatever else you want but my stinkin license... come on! it really sucks having to replace those!




examples:



1 > left purse in cabana... dom was asleep in stroller not normal routine forgot purse.. didn't realize it till next morning (*unfortunately also day before Ike so people were nuts).... whole purse... camera w/ 5000 pics of my boys, wallet, deodorant, debit cards, sams card, $150 cash... couldn't they have atleast walked over to krogers to drop off my wallet with my drivers license... and my sams card... like they could use it?? seriously annoying. the memory card woulda been nice too.. but no... nothing! called all businesses around cabana (including cabana) and nothing. probably threw it in the trash. i loved that purse too. sucks.



2 > wallet fell out of passengers lap into mcdonalds parking lot... again debit cards.. $300 cash... cancelled cards immediately (*noticed w/in 10 minutes when i tried to buy stuff at the store)... next morning wonderfully nice man contacted me to return entire wallet. unfortunately i had already gone and replaced everything, but it was such a blessing to get my $300 back... so he was one in a million... very nice man :) this is an exception to the typical experience.



3 > at lapalma... my son across the booth digging for quarters took my wallet outta my purse and then got distracted by gumball machine and forgot to put wallet back in purse... again debit cards and approx $60... and my new wallet i got for Christmas!! and nada... called numerous times and went up there... nothing. probably peed on it and threw it in the dumpster!!



i will have visited the dps office more in the last year than in my entire life. and am now recognized when i walk in... alright not recognized... but still i could find the bathroom with my eyes closed... now this time when i get a new license i will make a copy so if i am ever in this situation again i can just do it online.. i know totally should have before now b/c i have known this for years... but too busy.



there should be some internal human honor code when it comes to finding/stealing wallets... take the cash and run. leave the rest. not once were my debit cards used... so whats the point.. just to ruin someones day? i just don't get it. so feel free to enlighten me. i feel better having shared.. haha :)

goats, spiders, snakes and much, much more... admission $4.00 + tax...

so we recently moved... and my sons love it.. especially anthony. and i love alot of it.... but there is alot i am coming to terms with.... here are some examples... please provide helpful suggestions or any advice...




1: driving a few blocks from house almost hit stupid goat... only to sit there while 3 more go by.. hello.. our dog has to be on a leash or in a fence but not our livestock?? is this a new law out here?



2. found snake in pool... swimming like it was built for him.... silly snake.. he was promptly squashed... much to anthony's chagrin.. he was certain it wasn't a killer water moccasin but i wasn't... **(now i know what they look like so i feel a little better)



3. found black widow in flower bed... and to make it worse i didn't know it was a black widow... it was huge and scary and beautiful.. but then i found out it doesn't kill its mates... it kills us and somehow that overshadows its beauty.. he too was squashed...



4. these little (but kinda big) millipede things *(thanks for the education paul) are in our pool every morning... atleast two of em... and they are always crawling down on the bottom and no matter what, they are alive... please explain this crap to me cause i don't get it?? i looked em up in the dictionary...

"a myriapod invertebrate with an elongated body composed of many segments, most of which bear two pairs of legs. Most kinds are herbivorous and shun light, living in the soil or under stones and logs" ...

notice it doesn't say they breathe water.. so why is it that since we got here they decided they wanna be fish??? what the heck??



5. today i went to put a drink in the cup holder of my lounge chair and there was a stinkin frog in it... i almost fell in the pool... of all the logs and rocks around here he wants my mesh cup holder... weird...



there are so many more... but i shall stop for now... but seriously some weird freaky stuff goes on here... i lived in the country when i was younger but somehow my brain thinks we lived in a bubble for the last 10 yrs instead of rivershire... dominic touched the back of my neck with a long piece of grass and i though a snake was attacking me... the kids thought it was hilarious!! and again i almost fell in the pool...



anyway.. i will overcome my fear... i will let you guys know when that occurs :)

might be venting, but not so much...

i hope that if you are reading this you already know that i have been blessed with two beautiful boys... if you don't already know this please stop reading this and delete yourself from my friends list cause you are a stranger!!

for years i lived my life exactly how i wanted to, not giving any thought to anyone else, or how my choices might affect them. i will only say this once so everyone can be aware of where i stand on this issue.. God intended for children to be born to a man and a woman who are married and have intimate relationship with Him. That said, all of you should know that this is not at all how my children's lives turned out...

every single day i look at my kids and the realizations floods in... i gave them a life without a father and that is not fair to them.. this is not one of those life isn't fair statements... at all. this is a mixture of things.. with fathers day coming and going once again i realize that i am blessed with the best father one could have, and my children do not have that. and then come the stupid comments from people who make anthony feel foolish or stupid because his dad isn't in his or dom's life... seriously if you do not know what to say to a child on fathers day who doesn't have a dad... just give them a hug and say nothing at all. trust me it is better than saying something that makes them begin to question why they do not have their father in their lives.. my children do not have their father in their lives because of the choices i made and the choices their father made. it has nothing to do with their value or what they deserve. they deserve to wake up every single day to a dad who loves them in the moments they fail and succeed, and who cherishes the time he can spend with them. this is not a blame game.. their dad isn't saved and it isn't about bashing him at all...

i am responsible for giving my children the legacy they will live with every day for the rest of their lives. i cannot change that and unless you are where i am, you can never understand how badly i wish that i could. do not misunderstand me... my children are well adjusted happy kids most of the time. but as they grow and have questions about why their lives look different than all their friends... i am left to ponder how it would have been if... the ifs go on and on..

i am thankful everyday (and yes i mean everyday) for the ones that are committed to my children and who love them when they absolutely do not have to. you make a difference in my children's lives and one day they will tell you that themselves. i think there should be a day that is for the surrogate uncles/aunts that choose to share their lives and love with children who are not their own..

anthony is just coming to an age of realization and understanding... he will have more questions and make his own conclusions... but because he is so loved by the adults in his life i hope that he never questions his value. i want him to know that he is a blessing and my life would greatly suffer if he weren't in it.



so to conclude this train wreck of a note... to each of you who love my children, and you know who you are... you may not know how different my children's lives are because you are a part of it. but one day they will share it with you. you deserve a day to celebrate what you do.. and i shall tell obama ;)

brothers... such a beautiful thing :)