do i really have a 12 year old??

So, most days I feel really young... and go to bed telling myself that someday I really will be a grown up. Then it hits me, I am 31... thirty-one... THIRTY-ONE!!!!! Is it wrong that I still feel incredibly young (most of the time!)?? Anyway... that is for another post... on to more important news..

My first born will be 12 tuesday... TWELVE!!! Are you kidding me?? I want to do the last 5 years over again... or maybe even the last 7... All of a sudden I look at him, and tears well up, because honestly, he makes me so proud. He is sweet and gentle. He loves all of creation. He loves to serve people, and is kind to every child he comes in contact with. He is amazing. He is so beautiful, it takes my breath away. This is the last year until he will be a teenager... sheesh.. I just wanna hit pause for a while, a long while. I don't want to miss anything. With Dom, he is only 4 and time has flown by... but I look at Tone, and I am afraid that somewhere along the journey I have missed something. Something I can't ever get back. No do-overs or take-backs... this is it. How incredibly depressing.

His party was yesterday. It was amazing!! So many people coming together to throw an amazing party, simply because they love him. I think somewhere in their God wanted to remind me that He loves my little fam, even delights in us. Cause sometimes, when Tone wants someone to take him fishing, or Dom is asking me for the hundreth time if his dad ran away, or is sick... I just wanna crawl away and shut everything out. I hate, hate, hate that my children do not have a father who is in their lives. It is so much more heart breaking than the lifetime tv show that makes you cry... because it is everyday.. it doesn't end after a few hours.

Now is the part where you point out how blessed they are in other ways, by other people... and on and on... and most days that is where I choose to stay. But on the days that the pain is overwhelming, that I see how much they do miss out on... over and over... it is so hard.

However, today is not that day... even though I could go there... I shall not!! Because today I am declaring our blessings!! Tone was so blessed... he had so many people who came and showed him love, and gave him amazing gifts!! It was so over-whelming.. in the best kinda way.

So, tonight, as Tone is away at a sleep over, I desperately want to hold his hand and feel his warmth... just bask in miracle of him... I wipe my silent tears... glancing at Dom across the room watching a movie, I am so thankful for my boys. I have so much. For my boys loss, I am sad, for my gain, I am amazed. I pray that I can be the parent God intended me to be, throughout every moment of their lives.

I am so many things.. but my favorite thing is being a Mom.